{"id":154,"date":"2018-01-05T14:38:40","date_gmt":"2018-01-05T19:38:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/trestlewoodcounseling.com\/?p=154"},"modified":"2018-01-05T14:38:40","modified_gmt":"2018-01-05T19:38:40","slug":"listening-with-our-hearts-helping-children-communicate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/trestlewoodcounseling.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/05\/listening-with-our-hearts-helping-children-communicate\/","title":{"rendered":"Listening with Our Hearts: Helping Children Communicate"},"content":{"rendered":"

Leona Brown-Insley, MA, LLPC<\/a><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
grouch by greg westfall (via Flickr)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

You pick your three-year-old up thirty minutes early from daycare to take her to a matinee as a special treat.\u00a0 Normally your child loves to be picked up early (and, at times, even begs you do so), but today she immediately starts crying and runs the other way when she sees you.\u00a0 Even as you explain that you are taking her to see the latest Disney movie that she has been wanting to see, she becomes defiant, refusing to put her coat on and screams that she doesn’t want to go.\u00a0 As a parent you are confused, hurt, and possibly even a bit embarrassed at her reaction, especially because you are trying to do something fun and spend a special afternoon with your daughter.\u00a0 Your gut reaction (or is it just mine?) might be to tell your child that she will not be going to the movie after all, but rather go straight home to take a nap!<\/p>\n

As difficult as it may be for us in a moment of frustration such as this, it is important that we take a deep breath or two (maybe three or four depending on the level of frustration we are feeling!), and remember that our child is trying to tell us something<\/strong>.\u00a0 She is communicating in the only way she can in her moment of overwhelming frustration.\u00a0 After we calm our own frustration, it will be easier for us to help her (or us) figure out what she is upset about.\u00a0 At this moment, we could take her hands in ours and do some deep breathing with her.\u00a0 Reflect to her what we see (e.g., \u201cI see that you are upset\/angry\/sad right now.\u201d) and offer a suggestion as to what we guess may be the issue (e.g., Maybe you don’t want to go to the movie?\u201d).<\/p>\n

Your confusion will likely increase before the issue becomes clearer, as your child insists she does want to see the movie.\u00a0 You give some encouragement, with \u201cGreat.\u00a0 Let’s get your coat on so we can go.\u201d\u00a0 She again refuses and sits defiantly on the floor.\u00a0 You ask the daycare worker standing nearby how your daughter’s day has been.\u00a0 The worker, looking as confused as you feel, reports that your daughter has had a great day, and has just had a snack after finishing her hour long nap.\u00a0 You ask your daughter if she is feeling sick or if she is hurt somewhere.\u00a0 She shakes her head.\u00a0 Your confusion grows, as tears continue to roll down your daughter’s cheeks.<\/p>\n

Continuing to reflect your observations is important to help give your child language for what they are experiencing.\u00a0 We can say things such as: \u201cYou have tears running down your cheeks, which tell me that you are upset and probably feeling sad.\u00a0 When I feel sad my heart hurts, does your heart hurt?\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0 When our child nods, we can then say something such as, \u201cI wonder what is making your heart hurt?\u201d<\/p>\n

As your child looks at you in confusion, you look up and see the lead teacher enter the classroom.\u00a0 When the teacher sees your child’s tears, he comes over to the two of you, giving you the \u201chow can I help?\u201d look.\u00a0 You explain that you came to get your daughter early to spend a fun day at the movies, but she seems upset by this.\u00a0 The teacher bends down to your child’s level and asks, \u201cAre you sad because you are afraid you will miss your turn to choose the story today?\u201d\u00a0 You breathe a sigh of relief when your child nods.\u00a0 You suggest to your child that the two of you will wait until after story time before you go.\u00a0 Your child smiles and goes to the shelf to choose the afternoon story.<\/p>\n

It is unlikely that every parent has had this exact experience (or that our experiences can all be solved that easily), however, I am betting most of us have had similar experiences.\u00a0 Our child\u00a0 \u201cacts out\u201d for \u201cno reason,\u201d which can be frustrating, not only for us, but for them as well.\u00a0 We must remember that children’s actions, whether positive or negative, are their way of communicating, often because they do not yet have the language to describe their experiences.<\/strong>\u00a0 The child described above, with recurrent reflection of her feelings and experiences by caring adults, will learn to communicate with words given appropriate time and patience.\u00a0 It is important for us, as adults, to remember that when we are feeling frustrated by our child’s behavior, likely our child is feeling the same, or even more so.\u00a0 As parents, teachers, and caregivers we must learn to \u201clisten\u201d with our hearts and help give the child the language they need to recognize and communicate what they are experiencing in a way that is more readily understood by others.<\/p>\n

Leona Brown-Insley, MA, LLPC<\/a> serves children, adolescents and adults. She engages in person-centered therapy utilizing evidence based techniques such as TF-CBT, CBT, and DBT. Leona specializes in working with clients with anxiety and who have experienced trauma, helping them process their experiences and learn healthy coping methods such as mindfulness and expressive techniques.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Leona Brown-Insley, MA, LLPC You pick your three-year-old up thirty minutes early from daycare to take her to a matinee as a special treat.\u00a0 Normally your child loves to be picked up early (and, at times, even begs you do so), but today she immediately starts crying and runs the other way when she sees … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “Listening with Our Hearts: Helping Children Communicate”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-154","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p8SSLF-2u","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":269,"url":"https:\/\/trestlewoodcounseling.com\/index.php\/2019\/10\/14\/survivorsspeak-whyistayed-and-dating-violence\/","url_meta":{"origin":154,"position":0},"title":"#SurvivorsSpeak, #WhyIStayed and Dating Violence","author":"trestle5104","date":"October 14, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo Domestic Violence is one of the most common ways women suffer at the hands of men. 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