Month: August 2018

It’s that time of year again.  Penciled are sharpened, backpacks are clean and empty, and you are about to send your child or children off to school for either the first or umpteenth time.  Every year around this time, I talk with my clients, their parents, and even my own children about the things they want to be intentional about for the upcoming school year.  Take a moment and reflect – What goals do you as a child, adolescent or parent want to accomplish this year– Increased organization, better grades or maybe just a peaceful school year?   While all of these aspects of school and life are quite important, they require an awful lot of hard work and at times can be difficult and stressful to manage in our day to day.   In this day and age, our children and adolescent face several stressors: grades, friends, parents, bullying, over scheduling, social media, school shootings, 24 hour news cycle etc.  So how do we foster resilience or the ability to bounce back and recover from adversity in life in our children and adolescents?

Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg with Martha Jablow in their book Building Resilience in Children and Teens identify resilience as “giving kids roots and wings” in their book subtitle.   At the core of this philosophy is the idea that the important adults, whether as a parent, aunt, grandparent, mentor, teacher or coach, affect a child’s resilience.  As parents, caregivers and loving adults we offer unconditional love and create security, we set and encourage our children to meet our expectations for better or worse, and we model behaviors on how to meet these expectations and manage the challenges along the way because according to Ginsberg and Jablow, (2011)“children watch what we do much more than they listen to what we say” (p.22).

Ginsberg and Jablow (2011) identify seven crucial C’s as the “ingredients of resilience”

• Competence – the ability or manage situations effectively through the development of skills making healthy choices through actual life experience.
• Confidence- the solid belief in one’s own abilities and is rooted in confidence
• Connection- close ties with family, friends, school, and community that create a sense of security and produce strong values.
• Character- fundamental sense of right and wrong that allows children to make wise choices, build self-worth, contribute to the world and become stable adults.
• Contribution- the belief that the world is a better place because my child is in it and that each and every one of them has something to offer the world on a regular basis.
• Coping- the ability to manage stress and overcome obstacles in life in a positive, healthy way.
• Control- helping children to identify that they have the ability to impact their lives through their decisions and actions and there are some extenuating circumstances in his or her life that are out of his or her control (divorce, loss etc.). (Ginsberg & Jablow, 2011, p.24-30).

So Perhaps this year as you and your child head back to school for the 2018-2019 you can review the crucial C’s and identify intentional ways to build on each of these tenets of resilience.

 

Ginsberg, K.R. & Jablow, M.M. (2011).  Building Resilience in Children and Teens:         Giving Kids Roots and Wings (2^nd ed.).  Elk Grove Village, IL: American   Academy of Pediatrics.

Over three years ago I became involved in my first mom group. A drama free group with positive, uplifting women who have the same shared goal; to raise our babies the best as we can, be the best mothers we can and have a village behind us for the good, the bad, the celebrations and the heartbreak. Every once in a while we would share some things that challenged us not just as mothers, but to dig deep in who we are as individuals. So, this blog is birthed from the work shared by my dear friends Ashley and Erica.

Last month, my friend shared the podcast episodes “Inner Critic Pt. 1” and “Inner Critic Pt. 2” in our mom group community by Rachel Brathen (Inner Heart: Conversations with Yoga Girl). If you are reading this, I promise this is not just a mom focused thing so don’t let me lose you. We discussed these shared podcasts from the lens of “what does your inner critic say?” and “what does your inner best friend say?” The results? Women poured their hearts out and later were able to see how similar they were to those around them but also women were able to see how other people see them… because of course our inner critic tells us a distorted reality.

As a mental health provider it was also eye opening for me. I don’t tend to use these terms; the critic vs the best friend. I have used textbook terms, buzz words, “positive/negative self talk” but nothing as clear and as simplified as this. This new view humanized those parts; the critic and best friend within all of us. Since this work, I have made it a mission to use these terms instead. Now I can’t share what others have shared but as a human first I can say that I was surprised at how much just looking at our negative thoughts vs positive thoughts from this re-frame challenged me, opened me up and made me come face to face with realities I didn’t know how to express previously.  It was hard! I also noticed that when I speak to other people I speak from my “inner best friend,” the kind helper… and how when it comes to me it is so hard to do the same.

As a therapist, I try very hard to practice what I preach but I will admit that the homework I assign to those I sit with isn’t always easy for me. It doesn’t come naturally even if the way I communicate it makes it seem seamless; I wish it were. Many of us question whether we are doing something right. Is it good enough? Am I setting my kid up for success? Is my child’s delay due to something I did? Am I lovable? Does my partner love me? Am I worthy of these relationships?  That, my friends, is the critic. Yes, I think that as humans we should evaluate our decisions and challenges some thoughts but when they become overwhelming to our day to day knowing of ourselves… that is when that critic is speaking. The critic is also the one that tells you things to make you feel less than… like an inner bully. “You suck. You’re worthless. Not good enough. You are a failure. You aren’t smart enough. No one cares”. The inner best friend is supportive and loving and kind- the encourager.

So, I have homework for you….

• Take out a piece of paper.
• Title one side of it “My Inner Critic”
• Title the back of the paper “My Inner Best Friend”
• Under each title, write what each part says. I prefer to start with the critic because my best friend is much kinder and much more of what I believe and know to be true.
• What did you come up with?

*Please note, if this brings about tears or difficult emotions it is also bringing awareness to those areas. Seek counseling if the inner critic is loud and distressing days after the activity.

Speak to yourself from your inner best friend. Be kind to yourself.

 

You can find more information about “the inner critic vs the inner best friend” by exploring Rachel Brathen’s website,  her podcast, blog or one of her many books (Rachelbrathen.com).

 

Heather Lettow, MA, LPC, LMFT serves individuals (age 10+), couples and families. She focuses on identifying individual or family goals and strengthening self awareness to facilitate change and to meet the goals set; utilizing mindfulness, CBT and solution focused problem solving techniques.